Final Exam Treats
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: Snape tries to keep things under control while the House Elves offer the students of Hogwarts a late night study snack during finals. Humor/Parody.


**Author's Note:** Again, the idea comes from late discussions with Artemis Arcturus, while we were both studying for finals and starving at the same time. I don't even know how we come up with this, really. This is humor, and not to be taken seriously! I do not own Harry Potter, or any recognizable characters, locations, etc. They all belong to JK Rowling.

**Final Exam Treats**

Dumbledore thought it would be a good idea to have some late night meal options for the studious children of Hogwarts during their studying for finals. Even the staff agreed that this was a good idea. He'd sent out a survey to all of the Houses asking what they would like most for a late night snack as they stayed up until who knows when studying.

The House Elves of the Hogwarts kitchens limited the menu to six or seven items. It depended on whether or not they were feeling generous that night or not. They were already angry that they were being asked to work more than usual. Just because the students felt it necessary to stay up all night studying, it shouldn't mean that the House Elves had to stay up all night cooking! That just was not fair in their opinion. Maybe they should go on strike…

And so, begrudgingly, the House Elves had six items on the menu that night, but once the night started…they knew disaster would potentially strike.

There was not as much food as usual that night. So they House Elves sent out four owls, one to each House.

_Limited supply of study snacks! Food shortage! Get your snack while it lasts! Tonight's Special: Barbecue Flavored Pig Roast!_

And so it was…

The Hufflepuffs all had a head start with a common room so close to the kitchen entrance. They were there and gone before any of the other Houses even got there. The hyper Gryffindors (at least the ones that thought studying was actually a worthy activity) made their way quickly down to the kitchens and picked up a small snack or two. The Ravenclaws seemed to glide down to the kitchens, walking as they continued to read their study materials. For them studying stopped for nothing! Not even a Barbecue Flavored Pig Roast! But before all of these houses made it to the kitchens, there were a few from the Slytherin House that made it first.

Their Head of House, Severus Snape, was well aware of the Kitchen situation, and so told his Slytherins immediately. He had grown concerned for some of them. He was almost certain that their families were grooming these children to become future Death Eaters. Some of the candidates made him nervous…like Crabbe and Goyle. They were not the smartest…well, even Severus hated to talk against his House, but he had to admit that those two were on the lower side of the intelligence scale.

He always seemed to get the occasional very stupid student. He really could not figure that out considering Slytherins were prized for their cunning. How Marcus Flint ended up in Slytherin and then failing a year, Severus Snape had no idea. He often found himself sitting in his office wondering how stupid Flint had to possibly be to fail and be held back a year when Ronald Weasley could pass his Second Year with a broken wand. If a poor student cold pass with a defective wand…how could Flint _not_ pass with a perfectly sound wand, and better study skills, though even those were not that impressive? Snape could not understand that.

He'd read the owl to his entire House as soon as it arrived, and several of them dropped what they were doing and left the common room for the kitchens.

Unfortunately, Draco Malfoy, who was usually very springy in his going place to place must not have been paying attention in the last few steps away from the Slytherin portrait door. His so-called bodyguards came charging like horses from the gates out of the common room. Draco's eyes widened as he saw them charging him like Hagrid would charge a frightening beast but thinking it cuddle-worthy! Before he knew it, Draco was flat on his back. His brain barely comprehended that Crabbe and Goyle had just run him over! As he got back to his feet slowly, his temper sparked to life. How dare they trample a Malfoy! And why couldn't they ever do that to St. Potter?

He saw a swift-moving black shape fly past him, and he craned his neck to see Professor Snape in pursuit of Crabbe and Goyle, who were probably almost at the kitchens by now. Draco got up and walked into the common room to find that everyone was bustling about trying to put things away and chattering very loudly.

"What's going on?"

Pansy Parkinson looked up and said, "The House Elves have a short supply of study food tonight so we have to hurry if we're to even have a chance at it."

"It's a Pig Roast!" someone shouted in excitement, as they ran out of the common room.

The thought of food very much appealed to Draco at that moment. He suddenly remembered his father standing over him threatening him with no meals during his holidays if he failed to bring Harry Potter to him so that he could bring the Boy-Who-Lived to Voldemort. Well, Draco failed. Lucius Malfoy, not being one to go back on his word, upheld it and proceeded to starve Draco for the duration of visits home. He'd also forbidden his wife from sending any sweets and cookies to their son. Draco was now much thinner and the thought of a pig roast was…mouthwatering.

Draco turned around, his books still in his hands, and began to limp his way to the kitchens, hoping that certain Gryffindors did not see him limping. He would not be able to help any hexes or curses that exploded from his mouth. It took him a long time to even get near there, and almost the rest of Slytherin House had passed him off. He was convinced that the Pig Roast would be gone by the time he got there. Especially since Crabbe and Goyle were the first bottomless pits to charge the kitchens.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Snape knew a shorter way to the kitchens than Crabbe and Goyle…It was called the Floo Network. He'd barged into his chambers and activated his Floo quickly, and spun himself to the kitchens. The House Elves were attending an already huge crowd of students. They were moving at almost as furious a pace as the one Crabbe and Goyle did leaving the common room. Snape was well aware of how much those two dunderheads ate in the Great Hall. There would be nothing left for not only his Slytherins but the other Houses once they got in here. They hoarded their food worse than squirrels!

Snape went to the door of the kitchens and pressed his ear against it. He heard voices coming his way. Female. Not Crabbe and Goyle. He opened the kitchen door and allowed two Ravenclaws into the pleasant smelling kitchen. He closed the door again, feeling suspiciously like a Muggle hotel doorman. He listened again and to his dismay he heard a trio that he did not want to see him opening and closing the door like a servant. But open it he did, with a vicious scowl on his face.

Ronald Weasley's orange head came flying past him, not even noticing that the door had been opened for them. He must have been that excited for the Pig Roast. Did the Weasley parents feed their menagerie of children? Next came Hermione Granger, who smiled at her Potions Professor pleasantly and said, "Hello, Professor Snape. Are you going to have some of the Pig Roast?"

"Perhaps," he growled.

"Have a nice night, Professor." She went to join her friend. Snape did not really have anything against Miss Granger. He once was, as he himself put it once, 'an insufferable know-it-all.' So was his best friend…long ago. He just did not understand how such a smart witch could even tolerate the stupidity and uselessness of Ronald Weasley. 'Merlin help us if two kids like that end up marrying each other!'

Lastly, came the bane of his existence. Harry Potter. He came shuffling in like the door would wait for him forever. 'Like his father!' Snape screamed in his head! He almost wanted to slam the door just after Potter entered the kitchen, and had geared up to do so when the boy's quiet voice shocked him. "Thank you, sir."

Snape's eyes widened as the boy said something to him that vaguely resembled kindness and politeness. He often wondered if this boy was capable of it. "You're welcome." Did he just reply? He was losing his mind! He watched as Potter went to join his one brilliant friend and his other stupid friend.

Then he went back to listening through the now closed door. He heard them, their choked laughter ruining the silence in the halls and the contented sounds in the kitchens. Snape felt a cruel but excited smile spread in his lips. He pressed both of his hands on the door and prepared. Right when he felt the door start to open from the other side, Snape gave a forceful shove!

He heard the two boys collide hard with the door and fall to the ground, holding their bleeding noses and groaning. Somewhat close behind the two boys he saw his House arriving seemingly all at once. Oh no! They would see that he'd deliberately pushed the door into two of his own students! He had no other choice, then.

Snape slammed the door wide open which hit the two boys in the faces again, and effectively trapped Crabbe and Goyle behind it. His House entered the kitchens looking rather excited as the smell of the pig roast hit them. Snape noticed though, that one of his favorite students was missing.

Draco Malfoy.

Where was that boy? Snape left the kitchen area and went towards the Slytherin common room in search of Lucius's wayward son. He tried not to laugh as a few hunger satisfied students flung open the door of the kitchens, and by the groans that occurred right afterward, hitting Crabbe and Goyle in the process. He'd walked only a few more paces when he heard the sounds again. Perhaps all the other students would literally beat sense into them, but he doubted it.

He was in the main stretch of hallway leading to the Slytherin dormitory when he found him. Draco was limping his way, looking absolutely wretched. His one hand was running along the wall to hold himself up, while the other hand held onto his books for dear life. Snape looked at Draco for a long moment and took in the boy's figure. He was much thinner than usual. Lucius must have been starving him recently. And he'd noticed that not a single package from home had arrived in the last few months for Draco. Surely Narcissa would not forget to send her only son treats, would she? No. Snape was convinced that the boy's state was his father's doing…

…Well, and Crabbe and Goyle's, since Snape was pretty sure that they'd run over Draco earlier.

"Mr. Malfoy, what are you doing?"

Draco's head snapped up. "Trying to get to the kitchens, sir."

"In that condition?"

Draco hung his head for a moment, before his eyes darted back to his professor defiantly. "I'm managing."

Snape sighed. "Come with me." He walked to be beside Draco and tried to get the boy to allow him to drape his arm across his shoulders.

"No!" Draco shouted. "I can do it! I can walk! I'm not helpless."

"You will never make it to the kitchens before people like Mr. Weasley eat everything in the kitchens singlehandedly."

Draco looked down again and Snape thought he heard the blonde mumble, "Stupid Weezleby…" but couldn't be sure. "Alright, Professor."

This time Draco allowed Snape to support him and the professor escorted him to his office. He brought them to the fireplace and activated the Floo Network. In only a moment they were spinning off to the kitchens.

As soon as they emerged from the fireplace, Weasley, Granger and Potter all quickly got up and left the kitchens. Apparently the Brave Golden Trio could not even bear to be in the same room with Draco and Snape outside of classes. Neither of the Slytherins were impressed by their Gryffindor Bravery at that moment. The orange-haired Weasley flung the door open. Snape tried to hold back a smile as he heard the satisfying sound of Crabbe and Goyle groaning behind the door.

"What's wrong with the bloody door?" whined Weasley.

"Oh, really, Ronald, it's just a door! You complain about everything!"

Harry Potter said nothing, just kept going.

Snape and Draco spent a great deal of time in the kitchens slowly and leisurely eating a portion of the pig roast, and then nursing some tea to settle their stomachs. By the time they were ready to leave, they were the only two people left in the kitchens. Even the House Elves had gone to bed. Snape supported Draco again and they left through the Floo Network, traveled through the professor's chambers, and into the Slytherin dormitory.

Draco curled up in his bed that night, feeling better than he had in weeks.

The next morning, when Dumbledore went down to the kitchens for a very early morning snack, he was surprised to find the bloody and passed out forms of Crabbe and Goyle next to the kitchen door. With a sigh, he levitated the boys and brought them to Madam Pomfrey.

So much for having a morning snack…

_Hope you all enjoyed it. I had a good time writing it. Thanks for reading! Please review! I would really appreciate it, because they totally make my day! Thanks! _


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